Motherhood has changed me

Over the past few years, I have been experiencing many different emotions in my life.  My children have both left home.  Eian is 21 – currently stationed in CO for the United States Army.  Evan is 19, graduated from HS & currently living with his father here in Frankfort.

I can honestly say I’m proud of both of my boys.  While they are completely different people, I love them both the same.  With Eian, my first born, I learned to experience my FIRSTS with him.  As a parent, your first born puts you through everything first, you feel so inexperienced and unprepared.  With your second child, you think you should have things mastered.  You have experienced most everything you thought possible.  WRONG, he’s my baby – the last one to leave the nest.  Truth is since Eian turned 13 I started preparing for his graduation, and departure emotionally.  So, that I didn’t break down and cry at graduation or his open house & such.  With Evan, I began the same process but, it was different.  It was different because I knew I wouldn’t have to prepare for those emotions ever again, he was the last one I would experience those emotions with.

You see as a Mother, I tend to take everything personally when it comes to my boys.  Their success, their errors, their compliments, their flaws.  For, I am half of what created them, and all that carried them.  For me, being a Mother – fulfilled me.  Growing up, that’s all I knew for a fact I wanted.  I wanted to be a Mother.  I didn’t think about how the roles of Motherhood would change once they became adults.

Obviously, I’m always going to be their Mother – nothing can ever change that.  But, the roles change.  You step aside, you watch from the sidelines waiting.  For if they need or want your input, they will ask.  You hope that everything you gave them was enough!  You hope that what they experienced growing up, they remember.  You were brought up in a loving home of God.  You got to watch your parents in a kind & loving marriage.  You watched your parents work as a team together, your team.  You knew you were number one.  You got to enjoy family vacations, playing any sport you wanted, have your friends over & have some of the best parties EVER.  You were shown pride, honor, dignity, love, respect, truth, compassion, affection, strictness, and forgiveness.  You watched two adults change while maintaining their self-worth.  You were watching your Mother as she learned to stand strong on her own as she went through a divorce.  You watched me be frugal, handle finances and got to see first hand how they can change,  and how to manage them.  What is important and what is not.  You saw me be sassy, spirited, stubborn, opinionated, self-loved, motivated, hurt, happy, angry, independent, involved, and even weak at times.  You watched my friendships blossom with old friends, new friendships develop and even some friendships disappear.  You watched as I opened up to another man, other than your father & you accepted him.  You embraced him & allowed me to be happy – without guilt.

But, did you learn anything from what you experienced?  That is the question I as your Mother worry about every single day.  I know you had chores, there were consequences to your actions, you were loved, hugged & kissed daily.  That you said, “yes ma’am & yes sir”, you opened doors for others, you didn’t liter, you smiled, you laughed, you learned because I watched it happen.  But, do you remember, did it stick with you.  Have you forgotten about all the good?

The only guarantee in this life is CHANGE!  Change is around us every second of every day.  As ugly as this world is, there is still beauty to be seen.  It is up to us to choose to see the beauty.  We start by looking at ourselves & seeing the beauty within.  See yourself for who you really are, a loving child of God who has so much to give this world.  Look in the mirror and see yourself, see your flaws, embrace them, if you can change them – work on them.  See your mind – educate it, use it.  See your heart – open it.  Don’t hold back with fear, allowing yourself to not live a full life because you are afraid of being hurt, failing or being rejected.  See all the mistakes from your past & know that they are learning experiences and you can and will grow from them.  They aren’t mistakes if you continue to make them.  Repeating them means they are just bad choices that you continue to choose to make.  See all the flaws you have and make them work for you, not against you.  Create the person you want to be by: knowing you are never alone, loving yourself, being honest with yourself, respecting yourself, respecting others, loving others, setting goals and achieving them.  You have so many qualities that I can’t even begin to list them all.  See them, see what I see, see what others see.

I have tried each and everyday to live my life as if it were my last.  There are many many things around us daily that remind us – it could be ME.  I could become ill, I could lose a sense, I could die today.  It could be you, it could be any one of us.  Time is too precious to waste & have nothing that really truly is important to you – and I don’t mean “things”.  Embrace yourself, those you love, and the things that make you happy – truly happy!  L I V E

Sometimes you will never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory ~ Dr. Suess

To Joey, With Love ~ this is a move that is a perfect example of what I’m talking about for even in death from cancer – they managed to remember what was important & to share it with the world.  God & Love.

Find tickets – only showing Oct. 6, 2016




Does It Have To Be This Hard? (Part IV)

I struggled for 10 months with my emotions & my feelings for Matt.  I questioned myself in every aspect, and analyzed every piece & year of our marriage.  Funny, even in the days of struggle, I still had to be a mom.  I am the type of person who isn’t going to let them see me lying in bed crying.  I struggled daily with being a disappointment and failure in my childrens eyes.  Once I was able to place an equal blame on Matt, it became easier.  Truth is divorce is a failure on us both.  Each day that passed, I allowed Matt to torment me – even if that wasn’t his intention – that’s what it was.  I love you, it was a mistake, I don’t know why I did it, I’m sorry.  You’re perfect, you didn’t do anything wrong.  BLAHBLAHBLAH & yet he was still seeing her.  Accepting that sometimes I would rather feel hurt by the man I loved than feel nothing at all.  I allowed him to play mind games with me for 10 months.  I should have taken a stand from the get go & just been done and walked away.  However; I can look my kids in the eye and assure them I did everything possible to make the marriage work besides share my husband with another woman.
The boy that I fell in love with when I was 13 & continued to love as he grew into a man was worth fighting for.  Yet, I am worth fighting for as well.  The man that I was with that night, was not worth the fight!  I was tired of the games, having him control my emotions,  and how my day would be affected.  I knew from that moment on that there would be no more Matt & Keona.  Unfortunately, he wanted to continue talking to me & sharing things with me.  I refused to speak with him because it was the only way I could free myself from the hurt.  As that time passed, he became angry & now we can’t even have a conversation about the children.  It’s unfortunate but, it’s true. During the decision days of rather to finish the divorce when Matt would call this is the song that rings true to how I felt ~ Jerrad Neiman ~  What Do You Want From Me

As I see him out & about now, I hope that he can find that man he once was & care about people like he use to.  I hope that he knows that his kids even though they are hurt by his actions, still adore him and hold him on a pedestal & he needs to meet their expectations.  I hope that he realizes that I am no longer in love with him, nor am I angry, and that she – doesn’t exist in my world.  I hope that he realizes that while he may have stopped loving me & I have stopped loving him.  That doesn’t mean that our friends & or our family have stopped loving either of us.  A divorce affects EVERYONE in the family and even friends.  Making others choose whom to love or whom they can talk to is wrong & only hurts the innocent in the end.  No matter what anyone says or thinks, his brothers & sisters will always be a part of my family.  His nieces & nephews will always be my nieces and nephews.  The same is true about my family.  We were young and spent more than half of our lives together, & that just doesn’t go away. We divorced one another, the families and children didn’t want the divorce.

I hope he will one day see that we can work together to make decisions together for our children.  That we can have our pictures taken with our children if that is their wish because even if we remarry – we are their only parents.  We have obligations as parents and until we can communicate our children will continue to pay the price.

When I was in Alabama visiting family, whom of course has not only not seen me, they haven’t seen Matt since the split.  I was ask, “Are you happy”?  My answer to that question.  “Yes, I am very happy it’s just a different kind of happy”!  With that being said, I was with Matt for 18 years and married 16.  Nothing or no one can taint the memories that we hold.  We will be allowed to make new memories and share them with those whom are a part of our lives.  I am in no rush to have anyone accept my children affect my decisions – therefore, I am in no rush to date.  I had plenty of time to share all my duties, choices, emotions with someone I loved…..I’m enjoying answering to only Keona right now.  Does it have to be this hard?  Truth, no it doesn’t!!

~ 13 Senses ~  Gone
~ Leighton Meester ~  A Little Bit Stronger

When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn’t a sign that they “don’t understand” one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.

Still waiting for it to be final

May 21 of 2011 – yes this year, will be 17 years that I have been married.  Married at the age of 18 to my High school sweetheart, the man of my dreams.  Life was great, it was as it was suppose to be.  Sharing two amazing children together, at the age of 35, never did I think I would be writing about my marriage in a past tense form.  I have been separated now for 2 years and am very much looking forward to the day my divorce will be final.

The legal battle is brutal when you cannot agree and get along.  Learn a lesson from someone else, if you can get along, and compromise out of court, force yourself.  In the end, the only ones winning are the attorneys.  In this case our biggest disagreement in the end was retirement.  Legally, what is owed to me will be however; if we would have agreed and negotiated outside of court we would both be in a much better financial situation right now as the attorney fees to date I have spent $8,250. You do the math..
I have for many years kept a journal.  At some point you will have the exact dates, experiences, and emotions that I wrote about during specific moment(s) in my life.  There’s nothing more liberating for me personally than writing things down.  I love the way my hand flows against a piece of paper with a thick reinforcement, how the ink spreads organized and neatly out of the pen landing as a piece of artwork.  Handwriting is a true beauty in itself.  I change my handwriting form often and just write random letters to create a new style.  Another favorite thing to do is type, back in the day could I really pound out the letters (like Speedy Gonzales).   
As you travel back in time with me, listening to the words of my past, present, and future. My purpose for writing the blog is simple.  While there are many things no one else can begin to imagine what it would be like to experience.  You can learn something from everything and everyone if you are willing to be open and listen.

Those of you whom know me, don’t even need to read the next paragraph.  Those of you whom don’t, below you will find a description of my personality and how I take on the world.  There will be many many stories and milestones in my writings and not all of them will be pretty nor will I butter it up.  I am an extremely blunt, open, strong, opinionated personality.  Some say I come across as abrasive and mean.  I say, I am who I am and at the end of the day I have to live with myself and I love me.  Those who truly know me have more than likely seen a softer and more sensitive caring side – but she stays hidden until then.  I do have very strong opinions and am not afraid to voice them.  I need no one or nothing in my life other than God and my children to survive.  The others are just luxuries and yes I have many.  I will write the truth about my feelings and my views on my experiences.  As I write, my intentions are not to hurt anyone but, to share my life…..if you don’t like it don’t read it.

I have several quotes that I have saved over the years and will share them with you as I write.

At every ending, there is a new beginning