I am a prisoner of his music

April 26, 2013 driving around Carmel shopping at Garage Sales with my friend Lorraine.  I don’t text & drive & I even try to ignore phone calls.  Today it was just going crazy.  When we got back into the car, I decided to check my phone.  I had numerous messages telling me that George Jones had passed away.  I barely finished reading the first message before the tears were filling my eyes.  George Jones has been a legendary icon in the Shelley family since before I was born.  I actually do remember being little & I remember hearing his music.  I remember watching our family members get together and sing his songs.  My Uncle Bob is the first person I think of when I think of George Jones.  Growing up, we heard George Jones & AC/DC.  I know what an odd combination but, it is the truth.

Whenever, I hear a song that the Possum sings, I am filled with any and every emotion you can possibly describe.  It reminds me of so many things.  I think of the old days, black & white, people sitting on their rocking chairs on the front porch & just enjoying life at an easy & peaceful pace.  I think of my own Uncle George.  He was a huge BLUEGRASS man & I don’t know how but, Mr. Jones was even able to reach that level for me.  I don’t have a lot of memories of my Grandma & Grandpa Shelley but, I sure remember their love for George Jones as well.  Grandpa & his medicine (his wine).  As I was kindly reminded by my loving Aunt Tonya.  To be exact it was “Wild Irish Rose Wine” & George has a song about it. Grandma with her stories of how her and Grandpa use to fight.  Our family of what I remember growing up had a massive indescribable bond.  When we were growing up, I remember us all living in the same neighborhood.  Our first cousins felt more like our brothers & sisters.  We always watched after one another & had the others back.  We were a force to be reckoned with.  If you messed with one of us, you got all of us.  At our family gatherings, if alcohol was involved you could guarantee there would be a fight with one of our Aunt/Uncle.  We as kids thought this was normal & how all families were.  Growing up, we were simple minded, music loving, strong, under educated people with a drive to defend & protect our own.  Those traits have changed but, the drive to defend & protect will never leave me.

shelleyGrandpa Ewell Shelley & Grandma Helen Shelley

I grew up with lots of hurt & anger as a child.  The people who were suppose to love/guide/protect me were the ones who hurt me.  I relied on music a lot of the time to keep my company & keep me sane.  When I was grounded (back then we were really grounded).  I remember putting in a cassette tape, taking a pen & a tablet.  As the song played, I wrote the lyrics out.  That is when I realized not only did music dig deep into my soul & touch something that no one else could.  But, I realized just how much of a healthy release it was for me to write.  I didn’t even have to write from my heart.  Just the feeling I got when my hand touched the pen while the ink gracefully flowed from the casing onto the paper.  I felt like there was no wrong in the world.  While writing the lyrics, I found myself drifting & dreaming of what life would be like when I grew up.  I thought about what I wanted out of life.  The only desire I ever had was to become a mother.  I had already found the person I loved & was willing to share my everything with him, and that would be creating life.  I remember writing lyrics to all sorts of music.  Air Supply, Journey, just nameless people & groups but, AC/DC & George Jones were the ones that meant something to the Shelley Family.

May 1, 2013 It is with honor that I decided to attend George Jones viewing services in Nashville TN.  I was lucky enough to have my cousin Jamie Shelley & my Aunt Tonya Shelley Heaton along with her husband, Mike Heaton attend.  We traveled to Nashville.  Stayed at the Fiddlers Inn & were able to enjoy some of the downtown Nashville Wednesday evening when we arrived.  Mike had worked a 12 hour night shift, left with no sleep.  So, they called it early that PM.  Jamie & I however; found ourselves looking for local entertainment.  We walked around the parking area and located  Music City.  This was a small country local bar.   We had an awesome time where we met many talented people whom actually have played with Lee Ann Womack, Merle Haggard, & LeAnn Rimes.   They were just down to earth people doing what they enjoy.  We finally called it a night, only 2 be awakened 2 hours later by Aunt Tonya cell phone.  She had planned on getting their early.  I disagreed with her, lying in bed moaning as I am not a morning person.  She said there would be people in line already.  I told her that they probably couldn’t even get in until 9 am when the doors opened.  Luckily, I got up and we all took off skipping breakfast.  We arrived at about 6:30am to find a line already.  We ended up being about 545 of those already waiting in line.  So, she was right & I was wrong.

We patiently waited in line watching others.  We saw many celebrities walking by.  Police came through advising us what to do when the doors open & advised us once again no camera or video was allowed & to take your cameras back to the vehicle.  If you were caught with them out you would be escorted off the premises.  We entered the Grand Ole Opry and found our seats.  Seeing that the bottom section was reserved for family & friends.  The stage was magnificently lit with flower arrangements on easels including butterflies of flowers from Dolly Parton.  Below the stage was his casket covered in flowers.  As his family & friends entered it was silent.  The performers came on and told stories, singing songs & sharing with all of us.  I felt myself that Brad Paisley spoke the best telling people of young age to learn about George Jones & know his music.  I felt that Travis Tritt had the best performance aside from Alan Jackson of course singing “He stopped loving her today”.  I knew it would be something to remember but, I had no idea that I would see that many performers under one roof celebrating the life of George Jones.  I am so thankful to his family & to the music industry for allowing us as fans to be a part of it.  As I write this, I can say that even Patty Loveless expressed her heart felt sympathy as the Shelley family did….he was a member of our family, or so we felt.  He was a country song, he lived it, wrote it, sang it, survived it, & shared it.  I have included my fb URL with the photos for you to view if you would like.


In my eyes, NO ONE will ever fill his shoes.

Below is MY favorite duet with George Jones & Lorrie Morgan

RIP George Jones

Does It Have To Be This Hard? (Part IV)

I struggled for 10 months with my emotions & my feelings for Matt.  I questioned myself in every aspect, and analyzed every piece & year of our marriage.  Funny, even in the days of struggle, I still had to be a mom.  I am the type of person who isn’t going to let them see me lying in bed crying.  I struggled daily with being a disappointment and failure in my childrens eyes.  Once I was able to place an equal blame on Matt, it became easier.  Truth is divorce is a failure on us both.  Each day that passed, I allowed Matt to torment me – even if that wasn’t his intention – that’s what it was.  I love you, it was a mistake, I don’t know why I did it, I’m sorry.  You’re perfect, you didn’t do anything wrong.  BLAHBLAHBLAH & yet he was still seeing her.  Accepting that sometimes I would rather feel hurt by the man I loved than feel nothing at all.  I allowed him to play mind games with me for 10 months.  I should have taken a stand from the get go & just been done and walked away.  However; I can look my kids in the eye and assure them I did everything possible to make the marriage work besides share my husband with another woman.
The boy that I fell in love with when I was 13 & continued to love as he grew into a man was worth fighting for.  Yet, I am worth fighting for as well.  The man that I was with that night, was not worth the fight!  I was tired of the games, having him control my emotions,  and how my day would be affected.  I knew from that moment on that there would be no more Matt & Keona.  Unfortunately, he wanted to continue talking to me & sharing things with me.  I refused to speak with him because it was the only way I could free myself from the hurt.  As that time passed, he became angry & now we can’t even have a conversation about the children.  It’s unfortunate but, it’s true. During the decision days of rather to finish the divorce when Matt would call this is the song that rings true to how I felt ~ Jerrad Neiman ~  What Do You Want From Me

As I see him out & about now, I hope that he can find that man he once was & care about people like he use to.  I hope that he knows that his kids even though they are hurt by his actions, still adore him and hold him on a pedestal & he needs to meet their expectations.  I hope that he realizes that I am no longer in love with him, nor am I angry, and that she – doesn’t exist in my world.  I hope that he realizes that while he may have stopped loving me & I have stopped loving him.  That doesn’t mean that our friends & or our family have stopped loving either of us.  A divorce affects EVERYONE in the family and even friends.  Making others choose whom to love or whom they can talk to is wrong & only hurts the innocent in the end.  No matter what anyone says or thinks, his brothers & sisters will always be a part of my family.  His nieces & nephews will always be my nieces and nephews.  The same is true about my family.  We were young and spent more than half of our lives together, & that just doesn’t go away. We divorced one another, the families and children didn’t want the divorce.

I hope he will one day see that we can work together to make decisions together for our children.  That we can have our pictures taken with our children if that is their wish because even if we remarry – we are their only parents.  We have obligations as parents and until we can communicate our children will continue to pay the price.

When I was in Alabama visiting family, whom of course has not only not seen me, they haven’t seen Matt since the split.  I was ask, “Are you happy”?  My answer to that question.  “Yes, I am very happy it’s just a different kind of happy”!  With that being said, I was with Matt for 18 years and married 16.  Nothing or no one can taint the memories that we hold.  We will be allowed to make new memories and share them with those whom are a part of our lives.  I am in no rush to have anyone accept my children affect my decisions – therefore, I am in no rush to date.  I had plenty of time to share all my duties, choices, emotions with someone I loved…..I’m enjoying answering to only Keona right now.  Does it have to be this hard?  Truth, no it doesn’t!!

~ 13 Senses ~  Gone
~ Leighton Meester ~  A Little Bit Stronger

When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn’t a sign that they “don’t understand” one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.

Still waiting for it to be final

May 21 of 2011 – yes this year, will be 17 years that I have been married.  Married at the age of 18 to my High school sweetheart, the man of my dreams.  Life was great, it was as it was suppose to be.  Sharing two amazing children together, at the age of 35, never did I think I would be writing about my marriage in a past tense form.  I have been separated now for 2 years and am very much looking forward to the day my divorce will be final.

The legal battle is brutal when you cannot agree and get along.  Learn a lesson from someone else, if you can get along, and compromise out of court, force yourself.  In the end, the only ones winning are the attorneys.  In this case our biggest disagreement in the end was retirement.  Legally, what is owed to me will be however; if we would have agreed and negotiated outside of court we would both be in a much better financial situation right now as the attorney fees to date I have spent $8,250. You do the math..
I have for many years kept a journal.  At some point you will have the exact dates, experiences, and emotions that I wrote about during specific moment(s) in my life.  There’s nothing more liberating for me personally than writing things down.  I love the way my hand flows against a piece of paper with a thick reinforcement, how the ink spreads organized and neatly out of the pen landing as a piece of artwork.  Handwriting is a true beauty in itself.  I change my handwriting form often and just write random letters to create a new style.  Another favorite thing to do is type, back in the day could I really pound out the letters (like Speedy Gonzales).   
As you travel back in time with me, listening to the words of my past, present, and future. My purpose for writing the blog is simple.  While there are many things no one else can begin to imagine what it would be like to experience.  You can learn something from everything and everyone if you are willing to be open and listen.

Those of you whom know me, don’t even need to read the next paragraph.  Those of you whom don’t, below you will find a description of my personality and how I take on the world.  There will be many many stories and milestones in my writings and not all of them will be pretty nor will I butter it up.  I am an extremely blunt, open, strong, opinionated personality.  Some say I come across as abrasive and mean.  I say, I am who I am and at the end of the day I have to live with myself and I love me.  Those who truly know me have more than likely seen a softer and more sensitive caring side – but she stays hidden until then.  I do have very strong opinions and am not afraid to voice them.  I need no one or nothing in my life other than God and my children to survive.  The others are just luxuries and yes I have many.  I will write the truth about my feelings and my views on my experiences.  As I write, my intentions are not to hurt anyone but, to share my life…..if you don’t like it don’t read it.

I have several quotes that I have saved over the years and will share them with you as I write.

At every ending, there is a new beginning