Does It Have To Be This Hard? (Part IV)

I struggled for 10 months with my emotions & my feelings for Matt.  I questioned myself in every aspect, and analyzed every piece & year of our marriage.  Funny, even in the days of struggle, I still had to be a mom.  I am the type of person who isn’t going to let them see me lying in bed crying.  I struggled daily with being a disappointment and failure in my childrens eyes.  Once I was able to place an equal blame on Matt, it became easier.  Truth is divorce is a failure on us both.  Each day that passed, I allowed Matt to torment me – even if that wasn’t his intention – that’s what it was.  I love you, it was a mistake, I don’t know why I did it, I’m sorry.  You’re perfect, you didn’t do anything wrong.  BLAHBLAHBLAH & yet he was still seeing her.  Accepting that sometimes I would rather feel hurt by the man I loved than feel nothing at all.  I allowed him to play mind games with me for 10 months.  I should have taken a stand from the get go & just been done and walked away.  However; I can look my kids in the eye and assure them I did everything possible to make the marriage work besides share my husband with another woman.
The boy that I fell in love with when I was 13 & continued to love as he grew into a man was worth fighting for.  Yet, I am worth fighting for as well.  The man that I was with that night, was not worth the fight!  I was tired of the games, having him control my emotions,  and how my day would be affected.  I knew from that moment on that there would be no more Matt & Keona.  Unfortunately, he wanted to continue talking to me & sharing things with me.  I refused to speak with him because it was the only way I could free myself from the hurt.  As that time passed, he became angry & now we can’t even have a conversation about the children.  It’s unfortunate but, it’s true. During the decision days of rather to finish the divorce when Matt would call this is the song that rings true to how I felt ~ Jerrad Neiman ~  What Do You Want From Me

As I see him out & about now, I hope that he can find that man he once was & care about people like he use to.  I hope that he knows that his kids even though they are hurt by his actions, still adore him and hold him on a pedestal & he needs to meet their expectations.  I hope that he realizes that I am no longer in love with him, nor am I angry, and that she – doesn’t exist in my world.  I hope that he realizes that while he may have stopped loving me & I have stopped loving him.  That doesn’t mean that our friends & or our family have stopped loving either of us.  A divorce affects EVERYONE in the family and even friends.  Making others choose whom to love or whom they can talk to is wrong & only hurts the innocent in the end.  No matter what anyone says or thinks, his brothers & sisters will always be a part of my family.  His nieces & nephews will always be my nieces and nephews.  The same is true about my family.  We were young and spent more than half of our lives together, & that just doesn’t go away. We divorced one another, the families and children didn’t want the divorce.

I hope he will one day see that we can work together to make decisions together for our children.  That we can have our pictures taken with our children if that is their wish because even if we remarry – we are their only parents.  We have obligations as parents and until we can communicate our children will continue to pay the price.

When I was in Alabama visiting family, whom of course has not only not seen me, they haven’t seen Matt since the split.  I was ask, “Are you happy”?  My answer to that question.  “Yes, I am very happy it’s just a different kind of happy”!  With that being said, I was with Matt for 18 years and married 16.  Nothing or no one can taint the memories that we hold.  We will be allowed to make new memories and share them with those whom are a part of our lives.  I am in no rush to have anyone accept my children affect my decisions – therefore, I am in no rush to date.  I had plenty of time to share all my duties, choices, emotions with someone I loved…..I’m enjoying answering to only Keona right now.  Does it have to be this hard?  Truth, no it doesn’t!!

~ 13 Senses ~  Gone
~ Leighton Meester ~  A Little Bit Stronger

When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn’t a sign that they “don’t understand” one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.

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